No Hot Water

Let me first say that my hot water is something that I hold dear. Hot running water is what separates us from the savages. Were it not for hot running water, we would all be reduced to a pack of wild animals fighting in the streets for the scraps of our fetid and dying civilization, as Foreigners with strange customs and lower expectations for the daily necessities arrived in droves to cast us down from our Liberal Democratic Throne and hurl the world into a pit of darkness lasting a thousand years. A new Dark Age for Mankind! Just as we are on the cusp of attaining the keys to a golden age of civilization - unlimited power from fusion, vast advances in medicine, No Disease, universal education for children around the world, a grand time for all! Instead, we will struggle in a new darkness extending throughout all 18 floors of this stinking building, as the overarching stench of unwashed bodies mixes with he sickly sweet stench of rotting unwashed dishes.

BEWARE! THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU - OR YOU - OR YOU!!!

I think I saw George Romero setting up his cameras at the end of my hallway for his new film, shot on location in the heart of the Real Action! The stringy hair, the ugly skin, and the zombie stench are too much for a civilized person to bear. I have bolted the door, and I will not be going out until the all clear is sounded! We are Well Armed! Many may try to get through the door, but they will not succeed! While others panic and run, we have forted up, hunkered down, and are awaiting the end with gleeful anticipation! This is what it means to be one of The Prepared!

On one mission earlier today I left the apartment to get the feeling for the brewing crisis. I approached the panicking security guard at the front desk of the complex. "A LETTER?" he exclaimed, bewildered, "A Letter? You expect something to happen? NOTHING will happen! Don't you Understand???"

Indeed I understand too well! His Russian Mafia employers are trying to do to us what we did to them! Bitterness over the Cold War has resurged and they are trying to destroy our Civilization, our WAY OF LIFE! They are in league with the terrorists, no doubt.

I can hear you now, "What rot!" you say, "What rot this fellow is talking! Surely he knows that no hot water in one building will not destroy civilization as we know it!" Indeed you may say that, but while it may be only one building now, there is NO END IN SIGHT! Parts have been ordered, they say, time to make the repairs, they say, patience is appreciated, they say, but All The While, I have not had a shower in my own home in days, and my dishes are piling up at an alarming rate. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it sure as the pope drinks wheat beer burned in a day, and that is Our Fate if we do nothing to stop it!

Do you part! Stay armed, fill the bathtub with water, because you can rest assured that once they have taken the hot water, the cold will follow as surely as night follows day, and then the Electricity, and then... And then... You have seen them... Yes, they'll be coming for you, jackals gnawing the displaced hip-bone of Our Nation. I must go now. I need to stack Heavy things in front of the door, and test to make sure the whiskey supply hasn't been poisoned.